Loving More Polyamory Blog

Polyamory sends visions of orgies and free love to most people who first hear the term and definition. Even after careful explanation to the uninitiated, they still walk away thinking polyamory equals f***ing anything that moves. This belief that polyamory is about sex is what send people into a frenzy about morality, commitment and family values. The Montel show did a wonderful show on polyamory but when one of the poly guests compared polyamory love to loving children and the ability to love more than one he made the statement “But I don’t have sex with my children”. In our culture we are sex obsessed and sex phobic. This obsession, according to most people, means sex changes everything.

American culture is challenged when it comes to sex and this generates much confusion. Sex is an important part of many romantic relationships but it is not the end all and be all. Sex has been equated with romantic love for centuries and, in more recent years, with monogamous marriage and commitment. Sex, love, romance and intimacy are not all the same thing and you can have one without the other.

Polyamory is more about romance and love than sex. The non-poly world just does not seem to get it; it’s not about the sex. Yes, poly relationships include sex but just like monogamous ones people are there for love, romance, intimacy and numerous other reasons. Sex is often an important component but it is not by any means the focus and sometimes it isn’t even there. But it is the sexual component that seems to evoke such passionate reactions to polyamory, swinging and other forms of alternative sexuality.

People are different in so many ways. They have different hobbies, interests, likes, dislikes and we all accept this. One person may love the water and boating and another loves rock climbing and mountaineering. People have diverse work interests, raise their kids a certain way and have preferences on where they live. This kind of diversity is not seen as right, wrong or even surprising in any way. Yet when it comes to sex and romantic relationships, we have this narrow parameter of what is acceptable behavior. We accept change and fluidity in every other aspect of life and then seek to box in love, sex and intimacy, the very things we should expect the most freedom with.

We would never tolerate our personal choices in work or where we live to be dictated by the neighbors or the government and yet, as a culture, we seek to control who a person loves, how they love, what sexual activities are accepted and even how many they can love. Why, one may ask, because of SEX. Gay marriage, gay relationships, bisexual relating, polyamorous relating all include sex and sex scares most people.

In the sixties and seventies our culture made a shift toward opening up sexually. The ideas of free love, swinging and the one night stand were being explored. Unfortunately so many of the young people exploring had been raised in families that had no communication, where masturbation was forbidden and no one talked about sex. Many were taught good girls were supposed to be pure and hold out their virginity for marriage like a bartering chip. Boys were supposed to push girls into submission. The same people who opened up the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies also brought in their own bad habits as well as unconscious fears and shame. Many were like a kid in a candy store, enthralled and lacking the self control not to overdo it. Free love instead of coming from a place of love was often coming from a place of rebellion and need to fit in with peers. In many cases people, especially women, were pressured into swinging or sex when it was not right for them. As a culture we lacked the important skills or role models to handle free love.

Sex has been demonized, used as a weapon and made a sin, first by the church and now by society. People have suffered terrible shame, guilt and even pain about their sexual nature and their sexuality. These ideas about sex as sinful can wreak havoc on the unconscious mind and sabotage people’s attempts to free themselves and embrace their sexual nature. Part of this cultural programming is that when we “really” love someone we should only want sex with them. We are only allowed to experience this naughty pleasure in the boundaries of a “committed monogamous relationship”. This originally comes from religion and yet people, who have a completely different set of beliefs and values, from atheists to pagans, continue to perpetuate this boundary.

We as a culture exalt romantic sexual love to this sanctified realm. We say it is different from love for friends, siblings, parents and children. That because of the sexual component it has to be limited and you can only share this activity with one person. But as many people understand, and studies have shown, we are really talking about lust and it fades over time. The maddening lust of new relationships is replaced with long term love more akin to love of family and friends, though often deeper because of the deeper intimacy sex can bring in a relationship.

We know people are able to love many people. Sex is one component of a vast array of ways in which people connect. Why is it so hard to make the leap that people who love someone deeply, are committed to that connection and have a sexual relationship could also love another person as well and in the same way. Human beings do it all the time, they have an affair, they go from one relationship to another, often overlapping, and they often still have strong feelings for past lovers.

Perhaps this is why, in the end, polyamory is so damned scary for many people. Polyamorists admit the truth; they romantically and sexually love more than one person. They choose to do so honestly and openly despite the possible repercussions of lost jobs and threats to their children. Polyamorous people embrace what many people already feel but are afraid to acknowledge; love is free flowing and abundant.

Many poly people do get the opportunity to explore and embrace their sexuality. When the boundaries are removed within the support of a loving committed relationship then there is the opportunity to explore what excites you and what gives you pleasure without losing your lover. You can deepen intimacy through honesty and working your way past jealousy and insecurity. You can remain open to love, connections, attractions and become an explorer of your own sexual nature and what intimate relationships really mean for you. It is challenging, exciting and at times risky. You risk being hurt, being rejected, trying things that scare you and losing people you love. You can gain personal growth, insight, living life to the fullest and an abundance of love and relationships to share and/or dance in and out of your life. It is not easy and not for everyone.

Sex is a beautiful and natural expression of love and affection and it is good for you. We have made it into something fearful and shameful rather than celebrating the joy. The simple truth is polyamory has nothing and everything to do with sex. Polyamory is at the core, about loving romantic relationships. These relationships usually include sex but can also embrace deep intimate and romantic friendships without sex. They can be fabulous networks of sexy connections. They can also be a family with children and multiple parents; raising kids, sharing a home, doing chores and watching TV, hoping they might have time to squeeze in a little sex play between bedtime stories and passing out for the night. They are no different and no more about sex than any other relationship style.

Most poly people have experienced the phrase “But if you’re poly, you should have sex with me”. While I might want to yell “It’s not about the sex” the truth is, I am polyamorous and I am also picky. Just between you and me, with the kids, the house and balancing relationships, if I can find time I am much more interested in spending quality time with the partners I love then exploring sex with a random person I feel no connection with.

Photo Copyright Robyn Trask

Summer is waning and the Loving More Staff are busy gearing up for fabulous fall conferences. The 24^th annual Loving More Retreat is September 10-12, 2010 and a first for us, Poly Living Seattle is October 22-24, 2010.

Each event offers it’s own unique flavor for the polyamorous or the poly curious. The Loving More Retreat has a mixture of workshops and playshops designed to help people open up and make connections. Many of the workshops offer the experience of deepening your heart connection and dealing with the emotional baggage many people need to clear to have successful romantic relationships.

Poly Living Seattle offers a wide variety of workshops for the person exploring for the first time, the professional wanting to learn more to serve their clients and the experienced poly person wanting to hang out with others of like mind. This is the first time this conference will be offered in the Emerald city and is attracting people from across the country to attend and speak.

Loving More released issue 40 about three weeks ago to rave reviews. Members and subscribers who have not received their access information should contact Loving More at lovingmore@lovemore.com or call 970-667-5683. The magazine is available free to view online at http://www.lovemore.com/magazine/ . To download you must be a subscriber or Loving More Member.

Loving More is currently working toward a goal to raise $30,000 in 2010 and we are now at $12,000 so far this year. Donations big and small help our unique organization in bringing opportunities for education on issues and awareness of polyamory. The money raised funds everything from speaking opportunities at colleges, universities and conferences to maintaining free literature and the website for information. None of this would be possible without the generous support of the polyamorous community.

Loving More Retreat Presenters

We are also seeking grant funding. Grants for an organization supporting alternative relationships is challenging to come by. We are learning that private donations and grants may be our best source to keep programs moving forward and expanding.

If you feel so inspired we could use your help. We need volunteers for grant research, fund raising, coordinating volunteer efforts, marketing, media outreach and admin help.  Contact Robyn Trask, robyn@lovemore.com or call 970-667-5683 to help or find out more information.

We are pleased to announce the release of Loving More® Magazine’s issue number forty Loving More; US Government Approved.

Since 1991 we have been the only magazine dedicated exclusively to topics involving Polyamory-multi-partner relating. We have issues, both past and present, that cover all different styles and logistics of polyamorous relating for the person new to or exploring polyamory for the first time to long term polyamorous person. There is information on families, parenting, sexuality, dealing with jealousy, finding compersion and much more.

The online magazine is now available for all to view online for free through the Loving More website. To view the current online addition, simply go to http://www.lovemore.com/magazine

If you have trouble with the link go to www.lovemore.com and click on the magazine heart.

For questions and or challenges please call 970-667-5683 or email lovingmore@lovemore.com .

Warmly,

Robyn Trask

Executive Director
Loving More Non-profit
970-667-5683

robyn@lovemore.com
www.lovemore.com

Image from the movie Caberet

The weekly drama series House recently aired an episode in which the patient was in an honest open relationship.   True to Hollywood style all was not as it seemed.  The show was in many ways a train wreck of what can go wrong when people are not fully honest.  The episode featured three stories, the open relationship, the cheating doctor and House’s best friend’s dishonesty about his feelings with his girlfriend and former wife.

The open relationship is greeted in the beginning with the doctors wagging their tongues about the impossibility of a couple have an open relationship and being happy.  It is the “unicorn” they proclaim, it never truly works.  The show goes on to show how the husband has been dishonest both in his feelings, his relationships and the couple’s money.  He lies about being ok with an open marriage because he “loves” his wife so much.  He does not want her to feel bad about what she is doing.  This of course implies that the audience all knows that what she is doing is bad or wrong.  According to the character House he lies about the money as a way to get even for her sleeping around.  Her other partner shows up and is severely reprimanded for intruding on their family.  They after all have to protect the sanctity of the family.

All of this is a reflection of people who wander out into the open relationship arena without a guide book or guide to help them through the process.  Since most people have no models it can be very tricky to navigate the feelings and challenges that come when people open up their relationship whether to dating, swinging or polyamory.  The show of course does not address this; it simply points fingers at how this kind of relationship never works.  They never address the underlying real challenges that are basic lack of communication and honesty.

Meanwhile the cheating doctor, who was the one to speak out the loudest about the impracticality of an open relationship, brings the subject up to his wife.  He is currently not cheating but has long history of doing so and is flirting with a nurse incessantly.  His wife is hurt and angry but the next day gives him one night a week to do whatever.  She declares she loves him and needs to accept who he is, a non-monogamous man.  She does not however want to meet the women, hear about them or discuss any of it.  Sounds promising and he immediately asks out the nurse.  In the end his wife changes her mind and he insists it is fine that he really only wants her.  A few days later he runs into the nurse and they leave in her car together after a passionate kiss.  He is lying but he is doing it of course to protect his wife because he loves her.

The third somewhat back story is about the lack of honesty and communication House’s friend has with his former wife he is now dating again.  He is not being honest about little things that annoy him and House makes sure to play it up.  They fight but in the end they talk.  They talk about how they really feel and in the end it heals much of their relationship.  Wow, what a concept, honesty can be healing.   Of course they are a happily monogamous couple.

It is great that Hollywood is including open relationships in their story lines.  Other shows have also done this.  Most of the time however, these relationships are shown to be isolated and highly dysfunctional.  I do understand that many people are totally unaware that open relationships, swinging and polyamory even exist much less can and do function well for many people.  These shows totally miss that often people in successful open type relationships have a culture, community and support system that can help them navigate these challenging relationship pitfalls.  It is true that non-traditional open relationships can end in disaster and so do many traditional monogamous ones.    Like monogamy, the open relationships that really work involve effort, communication, trust and honesty.

This episode of House was an example of the attitudes reflected in the greater society.  The belief that lying to your partner can be noble and that honesty and openness never work even while the show is showing it does.  It is a dichotomy of mixed messages.  In truth people lie to their partner because they are afraid of confrontation, they are afraid to lose them and they are afraid of big boom arguments.  They will hide their real feelings, live in unhappy and unfulfilled circumstances and let go of their real desires, needs and wants.  We consider this noble.  Where though is the intimacy?  When you lie about who you are and what you want then you are sharing an illusion with others.  With honesty and a willingness to truly be you, comes true intimacy.  Is it easy?  Often no, it is not.   It is through the darkness and vulnerability we find ourselves and our partners.  It can be an amazing journey that actually builds a stronger relationship as in the case of House’s friend.  Yes, you can sometimes lose someone by being honest.  In most cases this is not what happens and in those where it does both people usually end up glad to move on to a more appropriate relationship.

These concepts are probably too grown up for Hollywood at this point.  Polyamory and open relating are still in the stages of being the joke. Change will come in time.  More people are exploring polyamory and other open relationship styles, especially the younger generations.   More shows are including open relating as a story line, albeit a disaster usually.  We are making head way and things are changing.  It would be nice if there was more awareness of the polyamory movement and the organizations, books and people available to help those exploring navigate the pitfalls of multi-partnered relating.

Lying results in loss of trust, which leads to insecurity, jealousy, drama and many challenges for the people involved.  Often when spouses cheat the biggest challenge is building trust again.  Lying is not noble and really not done out of love but out of fear.  It takes guts, respect and tremendous love to be really honest in our culture.

Honest open relationships where all parties are happy, included and family, are not mythological, they do exist.  They are not so different from anything else.  They are based on love, and work best when all parties are honest, considerate and real about their needs.  Like all relationships they are challenging long term and require us to deal with our insecurities, fears and see ourselves clearly.  The rewards are numerous from expanded love and family to adventure and exploring sexuality.  Each person in this world is different, for some monogamy is fantastic for other swinging is great and for some it is polyamory, most share a desire for intimacy, honesty, connection and most of all love.

Robyn and Jesus

The State We’re In, is an English language international show on world affairs.  We had the pleasure of doing an interview with them last week which is available currently at http://www.rnw.nl/english/radioprogramme/state-were.  This week’s show features my partners Jesus, Ben and I talking about our relationship with each other and how polyamory works for each of us.  It is very positive and in my opinion well done.  I was struck by them asking Ben a question about what he gets from his relationship with me he doesn’t get from his primary partner.  It is to me a strange question that I personally have been asked this numerous times by friends and acquaintances who do not get polyamory.  This is the first I have heard the question by the media and one a lot of people wonder.

Ben

Ben’s answer was great and similar to what I would have said but you’ll have to listen to hear what he had to say.  The show is intermixed with a song Ben wrote and performed originally at Poly Living 2008 in Philadelphia.  I love how they brought the lyrics in at different times.  The entire show is interesting and informative and was a lot of fun to do.

Please give us your feedback here.

We are looking for Articles for the next issue number 41 of Loving More Magazine.  This will be a printed issue.

Deadline next issue June 1, 2010

We need articles with a polyamory or relationship focused theme.

Examples of possible topics; coming out poly, transitional experiences in poly, bisexuality, making polyamory work long term, reconciling poly with traditions of family or religion, history of poly relating, young or next generation poly, etc..

We are also looking for:

Pictures, clip art and artwork,

Photographs –

Any recognizable people in the picture must sign a release specifically for use in Loving More®.

Poly themed poetry and stories

Artwork/Creative Pieces – We are looking for original pieces that represent polyamory to you; sensual, loving, poly events, depictions of people in art or clip art.

We welcome all submissions for review; however submission does not guarantee publication.

All submissions for each issue are reviewed by a committee and may be used in the next issue or a future one depending on how the topics fit the theme of each issue.

For guidelines go to LM Guidelines

Please send your submissions to: Lovingmore@lovemore.com

Questions call

970-667-5683

We want to hear from you.   Please share your comments and thoughts about Loving More Magazine and Non-Profit.  We welcome you ideas and thoughts.

Robyn Trask

Executive  Director and Editor

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