Loving More Nonprofit

At my next birthday, I’m going to be sixty six. I’ve got five grandchildren. I have gray hair. Conventional wisdom would suggest that I’ve arrived at a stage of life where sexuality is no longer important.

There’s a joke about the Miami women who were discussing conversational conventions. “Ve don’t talk about politics, because vat is, is. Ve don’t talk about religion, because vat vill be, vill be. And ve don’t talk about sex because vat vas, vas.” But in my life, sexuality very definitely IS and I intend to keep it that way.

At a recent annual gynecological exam, I inquired of my doctor about a testosterone patch for libido-enhancing purposes. “How often do you have sex?” she wanted to know. “About three times a week,” I responded.

She said, “I don’t have any other patients your age who have sex that often! You don’t need a testosterone patch!”

I’m not alone in feeling that sexuality continues to be an important part of my life. Several recent studies find that older people are enjoying sex.

There’s a novel entitled In Praise of Older Women, and there is a jingle extolling sex with older women: “They don’t yell, they don’t swell, they don’t tell, and they’re grateful as hell.” But to the best of my knowledge this article may be the first to praise older men as lovers . . . and in my experience they have a lot to recommend them.

At the Loving More East Coast Retreat in September, 2010, I attended the sex and aging workshop, ably led by Nancy Miller, Jens Wennberg and Ken Haslam, MD. I think it was the third such workshop I’ve been to. The aging men at these workshops described, almost without exception, age-related changes in their sexuality which included decreased ability to attain an erection and decreased ability to sustain an erection if they got one in the first place. And most of the men expressed concern that their partners might think less of them because they were not rock hard for lots of vigorous coital thrusting. Ken Haslam described men’s concern as “prepositional”. . . get it on, get it up, get it in, get it off.

It bears mentioning at this point that to the best of my recollection and observation all of the men who talked about this sensitive subject were heterosexual or bisexual; none of them talked about the impact aging may have on same-sex coupling. I’m looking at this issue from the point of view of a largely, but not exclusively, heterosexual female: I’m talking about sex between aging men and their female partners, because that’s what I know best. But I don’t mean to suggest that there’s something normative about heterosexual polyamory or heterosexual sex. In fact, recent research seems to suggest that responsible, open multi-partnering is common among homosexual male couples.

None of the women in any of the versions of the workshops expressed dissatisfaction with the softness of their partners’ penises, and many women commented that sex is better for them now than it was when they were younger. There were only two of us women in the LMEC workshop, and neither of us cared much whether our sex partners could get erect.

One male attendee, however, remained skeptical about women’s satisfaction with less-than-rock-hard penises. So I asked the first five women I encountered after the workshop whether they minded if their lovers didn’t get hard. All but one instantly said they didn’t. That one said all her lovers were younger and never had that problem. So I said, suppose one developed it—would she stop being lovers with him? She said, “Of course not.” And that made it unanimous. Seven of us at the LMEC conference, selected randomly, weren’t much concerned about erections.

Several women at two of the previous sex-and-aging workshops, in fact, commented that they would far rather fellate a flaccid phallus than a tumescent one. (Well, actually what they said was they’d rather suck a soft dick than a hard one, but let’s be polite.)

Fine, you may be thinking, but not minding that older men can’t always get it up isn’t the same thing as appreciating older men as lovers. Here’s what I find to be true about my aging lovers: They like cuddling and stroking and massaging and caressing. They have come to appreciate slow, tender, lovemaking as their testosterone-driven urgency for orgasm has faded. They are more accepting of physical defects (like crepe-y skin, wrinkles, or fat) than younger men, because they’ve learned to appreciate the whole person more than the parts and they have these flaws themselves.

And they know more. They’ve learned, over the years, with various partners, what women like, and how to give it to them, and they want to give it to them. They are wise and kind and tender and ardent and I love them.


  1. Harry Margolius says:

    I’m a 69 year old polyamorous male married to a monogamous 60 year old female who is now going through HRT therapy. My sex drive has not decreased and your article is such a strong validation that older men love sex. Thank you for writing it and publishing it.

  2. wow i realy liked your sex at sunset article. i,m a retired senior living in prescott arizona. i,m a single divorced male. been divorced for 40 years now. why cant two people just love each other and live together whith out a lot of people judgeing them. i would love to have a lady friend of the poly minded kind live with me. i own my own home and am a very quit person. very eary riser and inj joy old movies and music. i whath lawrence welk every saturday eveing. yours truly sam

  3. Valarie, I’m a good friend of Ken Haslems, as well as Nancy & Jenns.

    Does this address show your blog every month or so ? https://lovingmorenonp.wpengine.com/blog/?p=859

    I’m not much of a blogger, but I would like to follow what you write.

    By the way, I’m looking at 74 years on the planet, a bit lower libido, yet have lots of sex, really love women, yet have not experienced ED to date. I suppose my turn will come.

    Thanks, Fred

  4. In all socities , the problems arising out of immorality , brings in unhealthy social practices, hypocricies and dilemma…

    One agrees or not, since time immemorial, people have knowingly, unknowingly, openly or by deceit, had been cheating partners or under cover have had indulged in something that is definitely not “Monogamous”

    I would appreciate to come to know one soul who can guarntee me that in this part of world , in this society or this place “All stick to what we boast off – monogamous”

    People do # it # but with deceit ! This does and always lead to real social evils and unrest, in turn harming the highly delicate social fabric; either directly, indirectly, sooner or in longer run…

    If we are more educated in what we can call the “most advanced science of neuro chemicals interacting inside the most complex neural networks still under research, called as human brain,” we will be able to erradicate such hidden evils in the society. Again the key lies in opening up faster than never or even dreaded – slower !

    In my country called India, which boasts of high “moral” behaviour of humans ignoring the real bug thats corroding the social setup beneath, relations are not still a taboo ! See for example the below link while our earlier generations have lived moral lives or just self demolition:


    Thus, India too, has slowly adapted to the trait called “Human !”

    So the moral is to accept and accept sooner so as to direct the human energy to a more positive and generic goal – upliftment of the mankind !

    After all opening up sex education has atleast controlled AIDs…
    Similarly complexities of unsafe prostitutions, crime related to red light areas and social unrest caused in our neighbourhoods due to a cheating partner , to name a few …

    On a lighter note 😉 …

    How many adore MONO nowadays ?

    Lets Ask ourselves while watching B&W TV – Mono chrome

    Life getting Mono tonous …

    We appreciate more , the Polygons …

    Even Our computers doing MULTI tasking leaving behind the horrible mono tasking DOS days…

    Imagine the flowers and nature, being just MONO coloured …

    To be human, itself is POLY and not MONO behaviour !

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